Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
