so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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