Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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