Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
