I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
