what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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