I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
