ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
