I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
