I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
