Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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