I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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