twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
