I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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