Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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