According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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