Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
