He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
