best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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