and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Found your dick twin last night
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
