Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
