Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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