He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
