An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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