I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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