headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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