Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
