I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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