I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
