Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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