I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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