I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
