go do what you do best...puke behind churches
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
