Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
