Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
