So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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