If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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