Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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