I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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