did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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