you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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