I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Randomize
