just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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