The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
