Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
