It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i out mim tonsoeep
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