Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Say something about gay babies.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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