Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
