I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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