What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
