Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
