Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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