you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
