Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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