Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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