Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
